A Year of Running

May will be my one year anniversary for taking up running. I'm not sure at what point you could say I went from trying to run to actually being a runner. "Runner" had an awkward, uneasy feeling in my mouth for so long and despite the consistent three runs a week I did through the summer I just didn't feel like I was worthy of such a title. I am by no means a fast runner. I'm still striving to hit my first 5k time under 30 minutes. But at some point between those grueling summer weeks of Couch 2 5k and my second half marathon in December, the title of runner felt like a badge of pride and something I had earned.

For all of those that are still new to running or are unsure if you could ever be a runner, I hope this inspires you to not give up. I struggled for many weeks. Some of those Couch 2 5k sessions seemed impossible so I repeated them. There were days I dreaded going outside to run, but I did it anyway. I was scared to try an event, but I signed up anyway. I was intimidated to have my stepdad join me for the event (he's a lifelong runner and marathoner), but he came and ran by my side the whole way. Being a runner is being a part of this inclusive family, whether you are running a 5 minute mile or barely walking a 20 minute mile. It's the decision that you are not going to simply sit on the couch. You are going to move. Your legs are going to carry you.

I connected to the road and left my stress and troubles there, pounding the pavement apologetically. It has taken every emotion I have thrown at it, filled me with a sense of accomplishment and set me at peace when the only thing that made sense in my life was to run. The smells of my country road through the seasons are comforts and familiar to me, as is every crack and incline on those roads.

My running is routine and without it I get moody. Dressing for a run has become routine. I have a set process of gauging the temp for how I'm going to dress for the run. I prepare myself mentally as I put on my run clothes. My mind races and gets focused on the run as I lace up my shoes. Adrenalin and anticipation mount as I set my phone for my playlist and strap on my armband. It's an addiction that improves your life and leaves you feeling so emptied and filled at the same time.

I've pushed my limits as a new runner, increasing distance and pushing my pace. While I've been lucky to avoid injuries, I've adopted running aches. My hip aches after a long run, my knee is sore the next day from a hard run. These are accepted as minor inconveniences and don't deter me from the next run. I've backed off of hard runs and long runs after my last half. The cold air and ice have pushed me onto a treadmill. It's still running but it's lost the luster and thrill of chasing the pavement. I eagerly wait for the weekends with good weather for that outdoor run.

I didn't love running a year ago and running didn't love me. It's something I have grown to respect and in turn respect myself more for sticking to it and pushing through when it got tough. I remember how far I've come. I was once told I had COPD. I was once a smoker. I took pre-diabetic prescriptions to ward off insulin resistance. I was told I needed to go on heart medication and that my triglycerides and cholesterol were going to give me a heart attack. I have overcome all of these obstacles and with every step, every footfall leads me further and further away from that person I once was. Running unshackled me and continues to let me go as far as I'm willing to push myself.

Finding Balance

One of the harder things I'm finding in life is how to balance everything. It's not joke that today's society seems to be trying to do everything at every moment and time is spinning wildly out of control. I almost feel like I have ADD when trying to deal with and balance everything I want to accomplish.

There was a time in my life where working past 6pm was a regular occurrence. Now, I am out the door at 5:00 to get to my workouts. It does make it harder to get projects done and I have sacrificed my 5:00 exit for a couple urgent things I had to get done as soon as possible, but I hit the gym immediately after...BALANCE.

I count calories and my family doesn't. They refuse to try many of the wholesome foods I want to add to our grocery list, but there are some things we compromise on. Reduced fat cheeses, fat free milk, low carb breads, lean meats, fresh fruit and veggies. These have been family-approved and while they're munching on Oreos I'm snacking on flax and oat bars. While they're eating potato chips, I'm enjoying hummus. We make it work in a way where I don't feel like it's all junk around the house and they don't feel like they're grazing cattle eating grass all the time...BALANCE.

I spent the majority of 2012 running every other day. Running became routine, but my scale has also not budged. With upcoming obstacle course races, I needed to add upper body strength. With the help of my new Lifetime Fitness membership, I have 2-3 days per week dedicated to weight training, but can also keep my run schedule going strong for the half marathons and 10k's in my future.....BALANCE

Outside of all these things, though, I'm finding my head spins when I try to find BALANCE in getting the housework done, managing our finances, cooking from scratch (and trying new healthy recipes), applying to scholarships for my upcoming return to college, and planning a fundraising 5k/10k for a local non-profit. There's a lot going on and it makes it so hard to concentrate on one thing, to prioritize one thing over another. I almost feel selfish in putting my workouts above the rest of it. The one thing I do know is that when I'm running or working out I leave it all outside.

It clears my head, puts my mind at peace and allows me to just relax, de-stress, and reset. I may not have BALANCE in everything yet, but it helps prevent a sense of panic from trying to find BALANCE in this world spinning out of control. I'll hopefully reach a point of equilibrium one day, where it's not so hard to figure out what to tackle next and what deadline to focus on next. That day is not here, but for now I BALANCE the panic with my workouts and put the world on pause for just a little while because when it's just me and sweat and effort, my compass stops twirling. That needle settles on north and I am focused on improvement and being better tomorrow than I was yesterday. That steady improvement flies in the face of constant chaos and encourages me to keep in pursuit of my goals of self improvement and finding BALANCE.

Beyond Resolutions

I know with the New Year everyone resolves to lose weight, quit smoking, exercise, blah blah blah.... The truth is, most of the New Year's resolutions fail. Gym memberships go unused and people quickly lose motivation. I realized long ago that my New Year's resolutions were a crap shoot. The one I have thankfully kept is from 2009 where I quit smoking. I remember it being close to midnight New Year's Eve and about two months in to my six month battle with pneumonia. I choked as I smoked my last cigarette and began my long recovery and new life as an ex-smoker.

Over the years I've learned it takes more than a calendar day to set a goal and stick to it. You have to have something special. That fire that burns no matter how hard things get. Something has to drive you from within, a determination that failure is not an option. For me, I surprised myself. When it came to finding the right drive to change everything I'd been doing, it was the fear of leaving my kids without a mother. That fear of succumbing to pneumonia helped me quit smoking and in November 2011 the doctor telling  me I needed to start heart medication prompted me to change everything I knew about taking care of myself. After a year of sticking to calorie counting and adding running to my regular workout, I'm ready to make a new resolution and stick to it.

For 2013, I have resolved to be STRONGER. I don't just mean buff and hulking out, but to be able to stand on my own resolute of who I am and sure of myself that I will not be defeated. I'm taking a stand against tempting days when a burger and fries sound REALLY REALLY REALLY good. I'm not going to give in to that inner voice that says I can take it easy today because I've earned it. I have a long road behind me of progress and a long road still ahead and it's going to take strength of body, strength of mind and strength of spirit to get me there.

It's funny what motivates you. Outside of the fear, there's certain quotes, images, and words that fuel that inner fire. STRONG is one for me. It speaks to me in so many ways. My mom would be the first to tell you've I've always been strong-willed, aka bull-headed. I was born STRONG. I was not one to give up easily when I didn't get my way and somewhere along the line I lost my confidence and a part of who I was. I gave up that strength and gave in to outside pressures. I lost myself and that inner fire dimmed. It took a lot to find that fire again and each day, each new attempt, each workout, each event, each running bib and medal fuels that fire. I hate to liken myself to a phoenix because it has become so cliche, but I feel like what has clawed its way out of the barely glowing embers is something brighter and so much STRONGER than before. This last year has shown me just how STRONG I am inside and for 2013 I plan on pushing what I've got on the outside to grow closer in strength to what's inside.